somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
