You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
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I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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