last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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