My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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