Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
dude. I can hear the air.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
