the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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