Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
