Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
