thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
