That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
