There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
