Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
