I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
