names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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