if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
