I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The best revenge is premature balding
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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