aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
