Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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