just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
