I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
