Pants 0. Shit 1.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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