I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
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