So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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