Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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