I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
