when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
