Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
