Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Let's paint friendship bongs
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
