"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
