I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
