I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
