I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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