She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
