Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
