Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
we made out on top of his cat.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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