He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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