i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
