I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
