i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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