i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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