I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
