The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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