Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
