I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
