i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize