mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
