My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
