I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
