when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
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my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD