Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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