a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
