Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
