on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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