she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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